I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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