I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
