Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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