Someone shit on the floor
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize
