Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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