maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
