I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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