I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
