shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
