When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
