I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
