I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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