im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
