proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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