halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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