I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
