you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
