I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I love having hate sex.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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