dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
