If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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