You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize