"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
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