I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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