Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
