You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
