My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
