I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
