You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
