"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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