I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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