connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Let's get the cat blown out
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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