My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
