Tell her she can't have a vagina
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
