I accidentally had phone sex last night
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
