Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
birth control should be required to get into college
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
