Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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