my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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