It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
