i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
