Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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