I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
