matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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