Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
