i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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