you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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