U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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