I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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