Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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