This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
