you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Randomize
