Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
