Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize
