At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
