Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
