I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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