a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
