i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
