my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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