If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Jerry, you need to find god
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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